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November 15th, 2005

08:16 am
Uses of a copy of City A.M. #27

For drying one's hair after you have walked into a tube station from the rain. The cheap paper is more air than tree and is quite absorbent. Its modern inks will only darken your hair by a single shade, so if you're a gentlemen with dark and greasy hair noone will notice anyway!

I have a hat so rain is merely a novelty to me. No, not novelty, that's the wrong word...we get enough of it that I really should be used to it by now. Mild distraction? Yup, that sounds better. Anyway, if the City A.M. guys try to double team me with their piece of crap free papers again I will not be responsible for my actions. There are so many places to put a rolled up burning newspaper that I will have trouble choosing. I'm often tempted to just say "Yes please", take all of one of their piles of papers and then dump them in the first bin I see (preferably recycling bin, but this is the city and we're all about showing our disdain for sustainable use of the world), before phoning the scum who run it and informing them that one of their guys just dumped all of his papers. That'll learn them. That and a burning newspaper stuck down the back of their trousers.

For those happily not in the know, City A.M. is yet another nasty free paper forced on you by scum at tube stations. Luckily for most of the world it doesn't leave The City much. It's only been around for a month but already their burly distributors of shite seem to have scared off most of the other free rag people. That is the one small mercy, but they are slightly more forceful with their papers than the others were. It's one thing to have a small chinese lady ask politely "Ms London?", but it's quite another to have some mono-syllabic 6'2" thug slap a paper towards your face as his friend comes in from the left for the assist.